the vanishing act

I have thoughts that are tumbling over themselves in my mind. I can not turn them off, anymore than I can change the events that lead to them.

I am aware that despite recent setbacks and conflicts, I am very blessed. I know that “things could be worse” or that I am “all things considered, very lucky” and that “there’s still a lot of good things” going for me. Yes, I know. I am the person who normally tells everyone that, including myself. But these days, I am allowing myself to soak in the way I feel without a filter. Don’t you ever just need to do that? To be sad, or angry or upset despite the reasoning that you should think positively and move on?

I have a laundry list of negative things that have happened to me in the past six or so months. I could list them here, name them, call the people who hurt me out, ask why or what did I do?, probably add more things that aren’t necessarily part of the troubles just because misery loves company. But that’s not why I write and that is not who I am.

Why I write is to figure it out and move on. So here goes,

Where does love go when it’s gone?

That’s the primary thought in my mind. Where do things go when they’re not yours anymore? Where they ever yours? I suppose the answer is no, they weren’t. But love doesn’t vanish, it doesn’t just end. Just like feeling helpless, feeling anxious when driving, feeling fear — those feelings don’t just vanish. I suppose you learn to process, you learn to refocus, redo, make resolutions to “do better”, “drive safer”, “protect yourself” ,”trust less”…..So I think the love goes back into you.

Whatever you’ve lost, whatever you’re missing — it was part of you once. I once was fearless, I once was completely trusting of everything and everyone, I once had faith that all people wanted to be the best versions of themselves. So I put that out there, I threw a wide net of trust and hope and love and I pulled it back in and it wasn’t as full as I hoped. There were people missing, disappointments, hurts. But it comes back to me, into me, stays with me. It’s not all lost. And I get to still love, if I choose, especially myself. I still get to believe in the good, find the better, appreciate the green grass or the feeling of the sun. I get to still like the same things I liked, watch the same tv shows that make me happy.

But I do all of these things with purpose now.

So maybe, things vanish so that you can recognize that life doesn’t come easy. Maybe things get taken away, things get tested, so that at the end of the day when you’re laying in bed you talk to God and you realize maybe He just wanted you to do that all along. In the book of Job, God and Satan make a bet of sorts saying that even if Job isn’t the perfect, prosperous child of God, he would still not curse the name of God; that even if Satan took away everything that made Job successful and happy that Job would still turn to God and say thank you and would not lose faith “nor charge God foolishly” (Job 1:22). Job’s family was killed, his animals slaughtered, and his entire body covered head to toe in boils —- I’ll take my car wrecks and sad heart, all things considered. And Job still ended up believing in God, despite quite a few chapters of ramblings and questionings. I’m in those chapters, but I think I’ll end up on the good side of this.

But either way, I have to believe you go through things that test you and challenge you so you can wake up and the morning and be amazing anyway. I have to believe you find Grace in the most unexpected places, that you have to be betrayed before you can forgive, that you have to be hurt before you overcome, you have to feel alone to discover you’re never really alone. And at the end of the day, loving someone means you will always love them, you “carry it in your heart” as e.e. cummings said.

Time after time I think “Oh Lord what’s the use?”
Time after time I think it’s just no good
Sooner or later in life, the things you love you loose
But You got the love I need to see me through
You got the love. (Florence + The Machine)

If you’re reading this, and you’re stressed or anxious or sad or hurt or anything besides happy, please know that you are always, indefinitely loved. And everything will be alright, again.





Filed under truths

4 responses to “the vanishing act

  1. Abby

    Your posts make me cry and laugh and smile all at the same time. I love everything about every post. You are so strong and I admire that bc there are times when being strong is the last thing I want to do. I love your blog so so sooo much! (:

  2. Anna

    You are such a beautiful writer. I feel all the emotions you write of. You’re wonderful and so very talented and i love you!

  3. Audrey

    YOU are loved my friend. Sometimes the hardest advice to take is our own; and even though it’s hard right now, your positivity will flow through you. Allow yourself to be mad or sad or angry, and then you can move on into happiness and joy. It will get better I promise. You are wonderful, and you deserve the best! 🙂

    “When the going gets tough, the tough get going!” I love you!

  4. Pingback: the fourth month | Handfuls of Sand

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