Did you read the title of this and think, oh okay cool definitely what I signed up for in this life? Doubtful. Did you read it and think, how did she know the voice in my head repeats the word ‘alone’ at least 12x a day, especially while I shower and in the sweet, quiet, honest moment right before I fall asleep? Oh, because the voice is in my head too.
The thing about fear is fear is a sneaky jerk. Other emotions, anger or joy or passion or empathy, these bubble right up. They show up on your face, in your words, through your body language. Tears or smiles or laughter or cuss words all convey instantly yes, I am mad or hooray, I am happy. But fear? Fear hides in the faces of strangers, small words in your head. Fear slips in the unknown, the quiet, the unseen and settles in the cracks you left open for Hope.
Fear does not present itself instantly or honestly, doesn’t show up in a package and say “guess why you can’t sleep? you’re scared of being alone. you’re scared of success and also of not succeeding. you’re scared of losing. you’re scared your dreams won’t come true. you’re actually too scared to dream.”
Fear is rude, to say the least.
I thought about fear this morning as I lay in the quiet on my couch. Fear is so grandiose when portrayed – the giant great white shark eating you, the scary ghost-girl haunting the house. But the scariest fears are hidden in the tiny voice in your head, so quiet you don’t even realize the voice is speaking these words to you and controlling your actions.
I thought about this voice in bootcamp this past Tuesday. I’ve been going to bootcamp regularly for about five weeks, and as the weeks pass I find myself recognizing the voice telling me it’s too hard or you look silly. I didn’t hear it at first, I just truly thought it was too hard, or I did look silly. Then I remembered, hello this is not too hard – you are an able-bodied human just go for it. Maybe this is the same attitude we should have when it comes to work, love or family.
Annie Downs, one of my favorite bloggers, is writing for 31 days this month on how to Speak Love in your life. I think (and she does too) it is crucial for you to speak love to yourself. She posted this a few days back and I realized, my own negative self-talk is hurting me – my bones, my soul.
Maybe the voice telling you your friends think your sweater is ugly, or you won’t ever get married, or you can’t get stronger is just a mean little idiot who is wrong. Maybe you should start talking back with kind words. Or, at the very least, with truth.
I know I should.
These are the realizations you have in the dawn, before the sun has risen and your puppy is still snoozing.
This is the 24th post in a series, 31 Days of 6 a.m. To see a list of all posts from the month of October, click here. If you would like to have these posts delivered directly to you, enter your email address in the form located at the top right of the home page.