No, not the Halloween kind but see what I did there?
This morning I decided to play with my decidedly ALWAYS playful dog. As I swatted my hands around, I noticed something interesting. If my hands were outside of a blanket, he’d playfully lick and jump around. If I put my hands in the blanket, things got aggressive. Teeth came out, so did growling. When he couldn’t decide what was coming at him, he was scared – it wasn’t fun.
I’m getting somewhere, I swear.
(And no, Kate this won’t be a whole post on dog analogies.)
I realized I’ve been acting like Jackson, lashing out with fear and concern because I can’t see entirely in front of me. Instead of playing – having fun, living in the moment – I’ve been gritting my teeth, putting my head down, working hard. I’ve been disappointed by standards not met or dreams not fulfilled which aren’t even necessarily real or needed? I’ve been living in the confines of fear – fear of failure, fear of dreams not coming true, fear of disappointing someone (anyone), fear of routine, repetition.
One of my favorite songs is called The Fear, by Ben Howard. This line gets me every time: Mama, cold-hearted child, tell me where it all falls | Oh this apathy you feel will make a fool of us all. The Lumineers said the opposite of love is indifference.
Apathetic. Indifferent. Fearful.
Not who I want to be.
This isn’t fear manifesting like I don’t want to go on the rollercoaster, or my hands get sweaty in a big meeting. This is the fear manifesting in a way forcing you to live smaller than you were ever intended to live. Big fear holding you back, telling you to hush, to stay in, to keep it to yourself. Fear, like hope, hides in the corners. Either will come to you, depending on what you look for.
So, as I wrap up 31 days of sharing my early morning and daytime thoughts with you all, I wanted to share the deep desire in me to not be afraid of dreaming big, out-of-reach dreams and how badly I want everyone in my life to live in less fear as well.
Thank you, thank you for reading and encouraging me as I do this. My dreams are bigger than just a 31 days series, and it’s because I have people who tell me what you are doing is a good thing, we like this that I am realizing my dreams may not be too far out of reach.
You can find all posts from October’s 31 Days of a.m here: https://cbaugh.wordpress.com/series/31-days-of-6-a-m/
PS: I’m still waking up at six tomorrow.