Tag Archives: #31days

#31days: Day Thirty One (or, the fear)

No, not the Halloween kind but see what I did there?

This morning I decided to play with my decidedly ALWAYS playful dog. As I swatted my hands around, I noticed something interesting. If my hands were outside of a blanket, he’d playfully lick and jump around. If I put my hands in the blanket, things got aggressive. Teeth came out, so did growling. When he couldn’t decide what was coming at him, he was scared – it wasn’t fun.

I’m getting somewhere, I swear.
(And no, Kate this won’t be a whole post on dog analogies.)

I realized I’ve been acting like Jackson, lashing out with fear and concern because I can’t see entirely in front of me. Instead of playing – having fun, living in the moment – I’ve been gritting my teeth, putting my head down, working hard. I’ve been disappointed by standards not met or dreams not fulfilled which aren’t even necessarily real or needed? I’ve been living in the confines of fear – fear of failure, fear of dreams not coming true, fear of disappointing someone (anyone), fear of routine, repetition.

One of my favorite songs is called The Fear, by Ben Howard. This line gets me every time: Mama, cold-hearted child, tell me where it all falls | Oh this apathy you feel will make a fool of us all. The Lumineers said the opposite of love is indifference.

Apathetic. Indifferent. Fearful.
Not who I want to be.

This isn’t fear manifesting like I don’t want to go on the rollercoaster, or my hands get sweaty in a big meeting. This is the fear manifesting in a way forcing you to live smaller than you were ever intended to live. Big fear holding you back, telling you to hush, to stay in, to keep it to yourself. Fear, like hope, hides in the corners. Either will come to you, depending on what you look for.

So, as I wrap up 31 days of sharing my early morning and daytime thoughts with you all, I wanted to share the deep desire in me to not be afraid of dreaming big, out-of-reach dreams and how badly I want everyone in my life to live in less fear as well.

mAGIC HAPPENS

Thank you, thank you for reading and encouraging me as I do this. My dreams are bigger than just a 31 days series, and it’s because I have people who tell me what you are doing is a good thing, we like this that I am realizing my dreams may not  be too far out of reach.

You can find all posts from October’s 31 Days of a.m here: https://cbaugh.wordpress.com/series/31-days-of-6-a-m/

Xo,

Cb

PS: I’m still waking up at six tomorrow.

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#31Days: Day Thirty (or, thoughts on your best)

I’m not even sure what my ‘best’ is. Are you?

I’ve seen many inspirational posters focused on giving your best and most articles about careers encourage you to do your best. What is “your best” though? One thing I know is my best is not consistent.

And I think this is OK.

What I mean is, my best one day may look like a completed to-do list but my best another day may only have two items crossed off, both of which I paid more attention to than the day I crossed off ten items. Which is the best? Depends.

I think your best is whatever version of you suits the occasion and offers up your truest self. 

Today, I looked back on the month of early mornings to determine the ‘best’ use of my time (which is how I got to this post.) I decided, though, there is no best use. I did a variety of things, as I said I would, and each of them were perfectly suited for the day at hand. Some days were decidedly more productive in terms of maximizing time – I did dishes 5 times, worked out twice, did laundry twice. Some days I rested, meaning I woke up at 6, quietly shuffled to the couch and laid there in silence. I read some books, wrote about lonely hearts, danced once. Is it important to decide which day was the best? I don’t think so, because each day was exactly what it was.

I’d like to apply this transcendent attitude to all aspects of my life, giving myself a break on days when my workout isn’t so great, or work doesn’t go smoothly. Also, maybe I could apply it to friends and family – it’s ok you’re not giving me your best, because that doesn’t so much exist but you do and I appreciate you sharing life with me.

I’ll let you know how it goes.

Xo,

Cb

This is the 30th post in a series, 31 Days of 6 a.m. To see a list of all posts from the month of October, click here. If you would like to have these posts delivered directly to you, enter your email address in the form located at the top right of the home page.

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#31Days: Day Twenty Nine (or, my day in photos)

Today, you get to see what 14 hours of life as Chelsie Baugh feels like. You are welcome.

6 a.m. – meditating on Psalm 30

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7 a.m. – Jackson decides to wake up

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8 a.m. – driving to work

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9 a.m. – sorting email, making a list for the day

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10 a.m. – I wish this was closer to my desk

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11 a.m. – driving to Fort Worth. Don’t let the clouds fool you, it’s warm and muggy.

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12 a.m. – team lunch before a big afternoon

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1 p.m. – media event set up

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2 p.m. – CEO of RadioShack remarking on new concept store in Fort Worth

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3 p.m. – “thanks for coming, here’s a gift bag!”

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4 p.m. – driving back to Dallas (not pictured: Pop2K on Sirius XM)

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5 p.m. – also, that drive took a whole hour to get back to my office

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6 p.m. – bootcamp, because I am crazy

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7 p.m. – continuing work, also setting up my blog

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8 p.m. – Asian chicken and stir fry vegetables, because food is good.

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So there it is. Day 29 of the month of October in the life of Chelsie B. Additional items not pictured: 4 bottles of water, 2 glasses of red wine, a shower, 4 phone calls to Kate, many texts from the family group text, Halloween costume ordering, me crying while watching The Biggest Loser and Jackson losing his mind barking at the most well-behaved dog ever.

Xo,

Cb

This is the 29th post in a series, 31 Days of 6 a.m. To see a list of all posts from the month of October, click here. If you would like to have these posts delivered directly to you, enter your email address in the form located at the top right of the home page.

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#31Days: Day Twenty Eight (or, how to not drown)

You can be a little over your head, but don’t drown.

This quote is one of the fifteen (not kidding) inspirational-ish items tacked up around my cubicle at work. It’s a good thought with a lot of real-life credit behind it.

Think about it: in your life, when have you tried the hardest? Usually, when you don’t want to (or you’re scared you will) fail. When you’re a little in the water, but you’re not sinking yet. When you’re having to swim against the current, but your arms and legs aren’t fatigued yet.

This is where I sit today.

As I said yesterday, I am bone-tired. Not tired in the I-need-more-sleep way. Tired in the  I feel very empty way.  My wheels are spinning and I’m moving, but getting nowhere. I’m putting energy into a lot of things and feeling empty, getting no investment in return. The current is strong and I’m sitting neck-deep.

But, when you have to – you will. I stumbled across Dre All Day’s motivation posts and this happened to be the one that popped up. You’re lazy when you can be lazy – if you’re in a situation where you can’t not do it, you will do it. Same principle as being in over your head without drowning. You start swimming.

This morning I was most thankful for the quiet hour before 7 a.m. I read a magazine and I purposely thought about nothing other than what I was reading. This didn’t change my schedule for the day, didn’t remove my anxiety or auto-pilot my laundry. Unfortunately. But what it did do was give me some still, quiet moments to think about how to swim before I had to jump into the day.

I’m so glad I’ve made this a habit.

Xo,
Cb

This is the 28th post in a series, 31 Days of 6 a.m. To see a list of all posts from the month of October, click here. If you would like to have these posts delivered directly to you, enter your email address in the form located at the top right of the home page.

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#31Days: Day Twenty Seven (or, additional voices in my head)

Some days I am very satisfied with myself – these days when I mark up a to-do list with highlighted lines and check marks. These lists are not limited to my cubicle at work, I make them for cleaning or cooking, for personal goals and packing. I mark up mental lists, post-its and lined notebooks.

Today I had a thought – what if I didn’t make these lists?

Maybe I shouldn’t. Maybe I don’t need to list and structure my life. Maybe these lists – this pressure – is one of the sources of my deeply rooted guilt I can not shake when even the most minor of infractions happen.

Tell me – who feels guilty when they live alone and leave toothpaste in the sink? Who can’t shake the feeling of irreversible wrong doing if they let a call go to voice mail? Who feels a consistent need to confess a minor fender bender to any and all coworkers, as if not telling them of my act would somehow be worse? Who believes their dog is sad when he isn’t taken for a 15 minute walk? Who goes to bed at night worried because there is one load of laundry left in the dryer? Who wakes up mentally calculating the hours in the day and wondering when they can fit in work out and a light dusting of furniture because they have to do it today, this Monday, right now? 

I can’t believe I am the only one with this insane amount of self-pressure. Some blame the internet or TV – pinterest is the root of all self-doubt, right? But I think this pressure actually comes from the tiny voice saying you have to figure it out as soon as you can, and you better figure it out correctly.

Maybe I should stop telling you all how many voices are in my head, I’m starting to look a little crazy. At any rate, these voices are doubling down on my sheer exhaustion at the pace of October this year. I’ve worked a lot, traveled a lot, moved a lot, thought a lot. Everything is just a bit much and I have a deep, deep desire to rest.

Hoping this week shows a balance. Only 4 more days of 6 a.m., if you can believe it.

Xo,

Cb

This is the 27th post in a series, 31 Days of 6 a.m. To see a list of all posts from the month of October, click here. If you would like to have these posts delivered directly to you, enter your email address in the form located at the top right of the home page.

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#31Days: Day Twenty Five (or, life is good)

Life is messy.

Some days it’s tough and mean, some days it’s just unkind. Some days move too fast or too slow and they don’t cooperate. Some days people ask too much of you. Some days people don’t speak to you.

Some days it’s good to you. Some days are sparkly and give you presents. Some days surprise you with their depth and the happiness.

Today, it’s pretty.

Life is good.

Xo,

Cb

This is the 25th post in a series, 31 Days of 6 a.m. To see a list of all posts from the month of October, click here. If you would like to have these posts delivered directly to you, enter your email address in the form located at the top right of the home page.

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#31Days: Day Twenty Four (or, you may be alone forever)

Emotions, right?

Did you read the title of this and think, oh okay cool definitely what I signed up for in this life? Doubtful. Did you read it and think, how did she know the voice in my head repeats the word ‘alone’ at least 12x a day, especially while I shower and in the sweet, quiet, honest moment right before I fall asleep? Oh, because the voice is in my head too.

The thing about fear is fear is a sneaky jerk. Other emotions, anger or joy or passion or empathy, these bubble right up. They show up on your face, in your words, through your body language. Tears or smiles or laughter or cuss words all convey instantly yes, I am mad or hooray, I am happy. But fear? Fear hides in the faces of strangers, small words in your head. Fear slips in the unknown, the quiet, the unseen and settles in the cracks you left open for Hope.

Fear does not present itself instantly or honestly, doesn’t show up in a package and say “guess why you can’t sleep? you’re scared of being alone. you’re scared of success and also of not succeeding. you’re scared of losing. you’re scared your dreams won’t come true. you’re actually too scared to dream.

Fear is rude, to say the least.

I thought about fear this morning as I lay in the quiet on my couch. Fear is so grandiose when portrayed – the giant great white shark eating you, the scary ghost-girl haunting the house. But the scariest fears are hidden in the tiny voice in your head, so quiet you don’t even realize the voice is speaking these words to you and controlling your actions.

I thought about this voice in bootcamp this past Tuesday. I’ve been going to bootcamp regularly for about five weeks, and as the weeks pass I find myself recognizing the voice telling me it’s too hard or you look silly. I didn’t hear it at first, I just truly thought it was too hard, or I did look silly. Then I remembered, hello this is not too hard – you are an able-bodied human just go for it. Maybe this is the same attitude we should have when it comes to work, love or family.

Annie Downs, one of my favorite bloggers, is writing for 31 days this month on how to Speak Love in your life. I think (and she does too) it is crucial for you to speak love to yourself. She posted this a few days back and I realized, my own negative self-talk is hurting me – my bones, my soul.

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 (credit Annie Blogs, @speaklovenow)

Maybe the voice telling you your friends think your sweater is ugly, or you won’t ever get married, or you can’t get stronger is just a mean little idiot who is wrong. Maybe you should start talking back with kind words. Or, at the very least, with truth.

I know I should.

These are the realizations you have in the dawn, before the sun has risen and your puppy is still snoozing.

Xo,
Cb

This is the 24th post in a series, 31 Days of 6 a.m. To see a list of all posts from the month of October, click here. If you would like to have these posts delivered directly to you, enter your email address in the form located at the top right of the home page.

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