Tag Archives: Ben Howard

#31days: Day Thirty One (or, the fear)

No, not the Halloween kind but see what I did there?

This morning I decided to play with my decidedly ALWAYS playful dog. As I swatted my hands around, I noticed something interesting. If my hands were outside of a blanket, he’d playfully lick and jump around. If I put my hands in the blanket, things got aggressive. Teeth came out, so did growling. When he couldn’t decide what was coming at him, he was scared – it wasn’t fun.

I’m getting somewhere, I swear.
(And no, Kate this won’t be a whole post on dog analogies.)

I realized I’ve been acting like Jackson, lashing out with fear and concern because I can’t see entirely in front of me. Instead of playing – having fun, living in the moment – I’ve been gritting my teeth, putting my head down, working hard. I’ve been disappointed by standards not met or dreams not fulfilled which aren’t even necessarily real or needed? I’ve been living in the confines of fear – fear of failure, fear of dreams not coming true, fear of disappointing someone (anyone), fear of routine, repetition.

One of my favorite songs is called The Fear, by Ben Howard. This line gets me every time: Mama, cold-hearted child, tell me where it all falls | Oh this apathy you feel will make a fool of us all. The Lumineers said the opposite of love is indifference.

Apathetic. Indifferent. Fearful.
Not who I want to be.

This isn’t fear manifesting like I don’t want to go on the rollercoaster, or my hands get sweaty in a big meeting. This is the fear manifesting in a way forcing you to live smaller than you were ever intended to live. Big fear holding you back, telling you to hush, to stay in, to keep it to yourself. Fear, like hope, hides in the corners. Either will come to you, depending on what you look for.

So, as I wrap up 31 days of sharing my early morning and daytime thoughts with you all, I wanted to share the deep desire in me to not be afraid of dreaming big, out-of-reach dreams and how badly I want everyone in my life to live in less fear as well.


Thank you, thank you for reading and encouraging me as I do this. My dreams are bigger than just a 31 days series, and it’s because I have people who tell me what you are doing is a good thing, we like this that I am realizing my dreams may not  be too far out of reach.

You can find all posts from October’s 31 Days of a.m here: https://cbaugh.wordpress.com/series/31-days-of-6-a-m/



PS: I’m still waking up at six tomorrow.


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September Things

1. Ben Howard’s “These Waters”  –> ever heard a song and immediately realized every single word is reverberating through your heart and tugging on the parts of you where feelings hide? These Waters did this to me the first week of September. I probably listened to it 10x a day.

What we found down these roads that wander as lost as the heart,
Is a chance to breathe again, a chance for a fresh start.
Spaces between the happiness and the hardness.

2. Camping–> I slept in a tent. Like, a real on-the-ground-in-a-sleeping-bag tent. Also? I didn’t hate it. Mainly because I was with really fun friends and we were seeing really amazing concerts. Also, sweating a lot as it was nearly 100 degrees. But that’s a conversation for another day.

3. Babies –> Ya’ll, this tiny child. I finally met Jack Brosnahan and my entire heart and soul withered away at the cutest nose and tiniest, featheriest hair.

Baby Jack

LOOK AT THAT. I can’t.

4. New York City –> Oh, don’t mind me just visiting NYC for the third time this year. AND FINALLY, getting to do the things I wanted to do the first two times around.  Hello Matt, Savannah, & Al!  Hello MoMA! Hello beautiful weather!

5. Today Show –> So I am a complete morning show geek and watch Today every morning. Getting on this show has been on my list of things to do FOREVER and I DID IT! I woke up at 5 a.m. and, bleary-eyed, crafted a poster asking Al about my neck of the woods and snagged a front-row spot on the Plaza. I was featured in the 8 a.m. lead-in teaser, and waved like a crazy person in multiple segments between 8:30 and 8:45. I also took a picture with Savannah Guthrie and chatted with Matt Lauer. Dreams coming true before 9 a.m. eastern is a pretty cool feeling – I suggest it to anyone.

OnTV Sign

6.  Ellen is back –> The Ellen show is such a bright spot on my DVR. My DVR is generally filled with scary crime dramas or scripted family-issue shows, but I always record Ellen. She is so kind and hilarious – and shows me fantastic videos. Like what does the fox say?

7. Still –> I alluded to this in August’s Things. I don’t do well with still, and apparently I took this statement to heart and ran as hard and fast as possible through September. This month was a whirlwind of travel, work, church and gym. I felt busy and also very tired. So, October will be more about balance.

8. October –> SO EXCITED FOR THE RETURN OF MY FAVORITE MONTH. October will include trips to Oklahoma, football, pumpkin parties, making soup and a blog post everyday as I link up (as I did last year) to the 31 days series.  Check back Tuesday to discover what I’m doing for 31 days straight!

9. Friends –> Aside from one of the best binge-watch-of-reruns shows ever, Friends had an amazing lineup of cameos throughout the series. Did you know Alec Baldwin, Charlie Sheen, Dakota Fanning and Reese Witherspoon are on the list? You know now.

10. Food –> I take an extraordinary amount of pictures of food. Mostly food I cook, but also food I buy in delightful bakeries and restaurants. So here are some of the items I ate in September:

donutSpinachDip carbonaraBouchon BakerySteaktacos chixsoup

See you Tuesday for the first day of 31 Days!




Filed under rambles