Yesterday, I went on a slight rant while talking to Kate. I was angry, there were tears. I won’t replay the entire conversation but I do know I said this:
“I’m just so tired of having something wrong in every season. There is always a thing I have to get over, embrace, be stronger or better than. I know everyone has struggles, I know there’s no such thing as a perfect life. But I just want one season where things are okay without trying so hard.”
To which she said, “Well maybe you don’t have to be strong, maybe you don’t have to wear that mask.” Which is when I realized: this isn’t about a season, or about being lonely or scared of the future. This isn’t even about hurt feelings or bad days.
This isn’t me wearing a mask. This is about accepting who I am. This is about how much I struggle against the very core of myself. It doesn’t matter what season it is, or how life looks – I will always try to find the lesson. I will always try to write it down. I will always try to make it important. I will always be strong. This is the soul of me.
And I have to stop fighting it. I have stop believing it is wrong or I’m too much or not enough. And I don’t know how.
Or, I didn’t think I knew how until I realized I’ve been giving myself a roadmap, leaving crumbs. I know I need to pray, to breathe. To have perspective, patience, dreams. But saying words, writing sentences is easy. Living out the peace and grace I want so desperately to be, to give – whole different story.
For anyone reading this on this rainy, average day and feeling inadequate, alone, or numb: you are not alone. I am saying this more to me than I am to you, which typically is true of all of these posts. But I am glad you are reading, and I appreciate your friendship.
“Learning how to think like this is like discovering halfway through your life as a flightless bird that you have wings and can fly. And once you discover it, there is no going back. It’s addictive and powerful. It ruins your ability to be a worker bee, because you’ve tasted blood: you become a killer bee, intent on understanding why things are the way they are, finding their flaws, and pushing the universe forward by fixing them.” –Dustin Curtis, dcurt.is
Tomorrow is a new morning.
This is the fourteenth post in a series, 31 Days of 6 a.m. To see a list of all posts from the month of October, click here. If you would like to have these posts delivered directly to you, enter your email address in the form located at the top right of the home page.