What did those 2 words make you think of? It’s a mixture for me, these days. Generally, if someone refers to ‘growing up’, I think of my 15 year old self learning to drive, or my 18 year old self writing the goodbye poem for the back of our programs at graduation. I think of my little sister or of Audrey & funny pictures with Hollister t-shirts and makeup that didn’t match our skin.
Lately, though, I think of debt and budgets and rejection emails. I think of finals for the last time and moving boxes and big, empty spaces and question marks. I think of how my day to day is so much different than what I imagined it would be back in 2007 when I prepared for college.
No, I wouldn’t change any of it. Well, most of it. I would like to live it again. That’s how I feel lately, that I would like to just reset some days — go back an hour, go back to lunchtime and have those hours again. I’d like to go back to living in Kappa and laughing, go back to dorm room nights with Marci, relive simple days, big days, small days; go back to firsts rather than lasts.
But then I remember, “stay here, Chelsie.” I hear it, that voice. The small voice that has slowly been becoming louder over the past few months. I think it’s a mixture of things, but my happiness project has heightened my awareness of most things: my relationships with others, my inner voice, my potential, my failures and the presence of God.
So today, and lately, I have to consciously remind myself to be thankful, be grateful, to find the good. I have been struggling, because some days I wonder if there will be a day that I won’t have to struggle. Don’t we all ask that?
Tomorrow is Ash Wednesday, marking the season of Lent. I am going to give up carbonation, my vice – my diet dr. peppers and diet pepsi. Why? For starters, I don’t really want all those chemicals in my body on the regular. But mostly, because Jesus has showed me the importance of a content heart, the unbelievable life that can be found under the shelter of Grace. The least I could do is honor that, to focus on something other than me. “Forget about myself to change myself” as Gretchen Rubin wrote.
Tonight, I needed to ramble. Thank you for listening.
The process of growing up is to be valued for what we gain, not for what we lose