Tag Archives: soul

#31Days: Day Fourteen (or, the day of reckoning)

Yesterday, I went on a slight rant while talking to Kate. I was angry, there were tears. I won’t replay the entire conversation but I do know I said this:

“I’m just so tired of having something wrong in every season. There is always a thing I have to get over, embrace, be stronger or better than. I know everyone has struggles, I know there’s no such thing as a perfect life. But I just want one season where things are okay without trying so hard.”

To which she said, “Well maybe you don’t have to be strong, maybe you don’t have to wear that mask.” Which is when I realized: this isn’t about a season, or about being lonely or scared of the future. This isn’t even about hurt feelings or bad days.

This isn’t me wearing a mask. This is about accepting who I am. This is about how much I struggle against the very core of myself. It doesn’t matter what season it is, or how life looks – I will always try to find the lesson. I will always try to write it down. I will always try to make it important. I will always be strong. This is the soul of me.

And I have to stop fighting it. I have stop believing it is wrong or I’m too much or not enough. And I don’t know how.

Or, I didn’t think I knew how until I realized I’ve been giving myself a roadmap, leaving crumbs. I know I need to pray, to breathe. To have perspective, patience, dreams. But saying words, writing sentences is easy. Living out the peace and grace I want so desperately to be, to give – whole different story.

For anyone reading this on this rainy, average day and feeling inadequate, alone, or numb: you are not alone. I am saying this more to me than I am to you, which typically is true of all of these posts. But I am glad you are reading, and I appreciate your friendship.

“Learning how to think like this is like discovering halfway through your life as a flightless bird that you have wings and can fly. And once you discover it, there is no going back. It’s addictive and powerful. It ruins your ability to be a worker bee, because you’ve tasted blood: you become a killer bee, intent on understanding why things are the way they are, finding their flaws, and pushing the universe forward by fixing them.” –Dustin Curtis, dcurt.is

Tomorrow is a new morning.

Xo,

Cb

This is the fourteenth post in a series, 31 Days of 6 a.m. To see a list of all posts from the month of October, click here. If you would like to have these posts delivered directly to you, enter your email address in the form located at the top right of the home page.

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June Things

Hello, happy almost July!

June was busy, fun and a change. I spent my first full month in my new apartment, attempted to eat mostly paleo and failed and took a few roadtrips to celebrate friends and family. Because this is my blog I obviously think any thoughts I have I need to share with you. Here are a few things I thought in June.

  • Summer means sprinkle ice cream cones every day. The first half of June I thought of sprinkles very often because we celebrated national donut day at work with Hypnotic Donuts, where naturally I had a  ‘homer’ (strawberry glaze, 1,000 sprinkles) and therefore craved sprinkles the remainder of the month. My only satisfaction came with this beauty.

sprinks

  • Someone leads you to believe, as a teenager, your acne will go away as you age. This is entirely false, 100 percent untrue. I have the worst face and I’m mid-20’s. True story I get carded at rated-R movies
  • The same person who lies to you about your teenage acne is the same person who lies to you about your teenage friends and how it’s a phase for people to hurt your feelings. Sometimes, no one grows up and you still do not get invited to Ashley’s slumber party when everyone else does and you are all twenty five so it shouldn’t matter but it does.
  • I discovered I pay (paid) nearly $140 a month for cable and internet. And then I thought, WAIT I AM POOR. So I remedied the situation by switching to AT&T, where surely my bill will always be incorrect and my costs will hike tremendously next June when my contract ends. Take that, cable bill.
  • On the same note, I lived in my apartment four weeks before watching Netflix which is a sentence meant to tell you I was incredibly busy in June and worked a lot.
  • Speaking of work, there have been a number of days in June where I feel schooled when I get home. I reflect on the day and realized I learned at least 347 new things, from different people. Sometimes I am in awe of the brain power surrounding me at this job. Then my brain turns to mush as I cook a quasi-paleo meal and perhaps drink wine. It’s all about balance.
  • There are many days where many things need to happen and there are some days you do not put on shoes and you spend time laying on the grass staring at clouds. Make sure you do both of those days regularly.
  • My schedule was pretty packed in June and remains this way through September. One weekend I drove out to the lakehouse to meet my family and it rained – and I took three naps in one day and did not wear pants (I mean, I had on a bathing suit) and ate a lot of queso. My dog barked at 1,000 duckies. My soul felt better. I thought how important margin is in your life in order for your soul to breathe.

Jackson Lake

  • I cannot stop scrolling through Rich Kids of Instagram. I want to interview these children and make a mashup of ridiculous thoughts they have in their tiny expensive brains.
  • Since I’m currently in my 20’s, it is fun for me to read about others in their twenties. Mostly when they mess up and find a way to figure out the humor in it all….which is why I love Paul and his new book “101 Secrets for Life in Your Twenties.” Even if you’re a bit past your 20’s, Paul was some wit and humor in there anyone could benefit from digesting. Need an example? Here is one of my favorite ‘secrets’: “Obsessive Comparison Disorder is the smallpox of our generation. Nine out of 10 doctors agree this disorder is the leading cause to eating two boxes of Girl Scout cookies while watching The Bachelor.” #guilty.

Liked my June things? Head over to Emily’s link-up and read a lot of lessons learned in June.

As for me, I’m going to Hawaii.

Talk soon,

XO
CB

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