Tag Archives: tired

#31Days: Day Twenty Eight (or, how to not drown)

You can be a little over your head, but don’t drown.

This quote is one of the fifteen (not kidding) inspirational-ish items tacked up around my cubicle at work. It’s a good thought with a lot of real-life credit behind it.

Think about it: in your life, when have you tried the hardest? Usually, when you don’t want to (or you’re scared you will) fail. When you’re a little in the water, but you’re not sinking yet. When you’re having to swim against the current, but your arms and legs aren’t fatigued yet.

This is where I sit today.

As I said yesterday, I am bone-tired. Not tired in the I-need-more-sleep way. Tired in the  I feel very empty way.  My wheels are spinning and I’m moving, but getting nowhere. I’m putting energy into a lot of things and feeling empty, getting no investment in return. The current is strong and I’m sitting neck-deep.

But, when you have to – you will. I stumbled across Dre All Day’s motivation posts and this happened to be the one that popped up. You’re lazy when you can be lazy – if you’re in a situation where you can’t not do it, you will do it. Same principle as being in over your head without drowning. You start swimming.

This morning I was most thankful for the quiet hour before 7 a.m. I read a magazine and I purposely thought about nothing other than what I was reading. This didn’t change my schedule for the day, didn’t remove my anxiety or auto-pilot my laundry. Unfortunately. But what it did do was give me some still, quiet moments to think about how to swim before I had to jump into the day.

I’m so glad I’ve made this a habit.

Xo,
Cb

This is the 28th post in a series, 31 Days of 6 a.m. To see a list of all posts from the month of October, click here. If you would like to have these posts delivered directly to you, enter your email address in the form located at the top right of the home page.

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#31Days: Day Twenty Seven (or, additional voices in my head)

Some days I am very satisfied with myself – these days when I mark up a to-do list with highlighted lines and check marks. These lists are not limited to my cubicle at work, I make them for cleaning or cooking, for personal goals and packing. I mark up mental lists, post-its and lined notebooks.

Today I had a thought – what if I didn’t make these lists?

Maybe I shouldn’t. Maybe I don’t need to list and structure my life. Maybe these lists – this pressure – is one of the sources of my deeply rooted guilt I can not shake when even the most minor of infractions happen.

Tell me – who feels guilty when they live alone and leave toothpaste in the sink? Who can’t shake the feeling of irreversible wrong doing if they let a call go to voice mail? Who feels a consistent need to confess a minor fender bender to any and all coworkers, as if not telling them of my act would somehow be worse? Who believes their dog is sad when he isn’t taken for a 15 minute walk? Who goes to bed at night worried because there is one load of laundry left in the dryer? Who wakes up mentally calculating the hours in the day and wondering when they can fit in work out and a light dusting of furniture because they have to do it today, this Monday, right now? 

I can’t believe I am the only one with this insane amount of self-pressure. Some blame the internet or TV – pinterest is the root of all self-doubt, right? But I think this pressure actually comes from the tiny voice saying you have to figure it out as soon as you can, and you better figure it out correctly.

Maybe I should stop telling you all how many voices are in my head, I’m starting to look a little crazy. At any rate, these voices are doubling down on my sheer exhaustion at the pace of October this year. I’ve worked a lot, traveled a lot, moved a lot, thought a lot. Everything is just a bit much and I have a deep, deep desire to rest.

Hoping this week shows a balance. Only 4 more days of 6 a.m., if you can believe it.

Xo,

Cb

This is the 27th post in a series, 31 Days of 6 a.m. To see a list of all posts from the month of October, click here. If you would like to have these posts delivered directly to you, enter your email address in the form located at the top right of the home page.

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